How many books would you estimate you’ve read in your lifetime? Now, how many of those books have been life changing and contributed significantly to your life satisfaction? Today we’re sharing the best relationship books to do precisely that!
Years of research backs up the idea that having strong relationships is essential for happiness. However, with 50% of marriages ending in divorce, we know we’re not the only ones struggling to achieve this. ‘How to have a great relationship’ isn’t something that is taught in traditional schooling, and unless you’ve won the parental lottery with caregivers who model a happy relationship, chances are you’ve not learned the skills needed for happiness at home either.
Our mission at Two2Tango is to create happier relationships, because we believe that it’s the fundamental building block for a happier world. In order to fill the educational gap around relationships, we’ve gathered up the top 5 best relationship books. We think these books should be required reading for all adults and young adults!
1.The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman
My dad had been trying to get me to read this book for years before I actually picked up a copy. The reason it took so long is because I was sceptical of the title and the idea that love could be classified so neatly and easily. In the end I was won over by the book’s simplicity, insight and ease of actionable information. Funny enough, I didn’t start with this book but another book by the same author, called Five Love Languages of Children. I was impressed enough by that book to check out this original as well, but since the books share the same underlying concept you probably only need to read one!
The main concept Chapman puts forward is that every person shows and accepts love in different ways. Chapman believes love can be categorised into that five main categories which he calls ‘Love languages’. These are touch, quality time, gifts, words. and acts of service. He suggests everyone has one primary and one secondary love language. If you and your partner need love in different ways, and are giving love in different ways, you may not be perceiving each others acts of love appropriately. The goal is to identify how you and your partner both need love, and to start expressing love in ways that you both can understand and begin feeling loved.
I love the positivity of this book and the fact that it focuses on partners doing loving things for one another. We believe the willingness to do loving things for your partner is a key for starting positive cycles in a relationship, so it’s certainly in line with the Two2Tango ethos! We have a great gift giving guide that uses Chapmans principles if you have an upcoming special event, but it’s also really about the everyday small ways that we show each other love.
2. Getting the Love that You Want, by Harville Hendrix
If you aren’t into the idea of doing some in depth psychoanalysis or introspection, this one probably isn’t for you. However, in my opinion, this is probably the best on the list. I suppose what I like so much about the book is that in addition to helping your relationship, it really helps you understand yourself and makes you understand why at it’s worth fighting for your relationship in the toughest of times.
The underlying premise is that we subconsciously choose to enter into relationships with individuals who have similar traits as others who have hurt us in the past. It sounds masochistic but there is actually a valid reason for us doing this–because we are essentially trying to heal wounds from trauma that we have encountered in earlier periods of our lives. Unfortunately, without this awareness, we often end up being re-injured in the same kind of way, which continues negative cycles and exacerbates our insecurities and fears. On the flip-side, having an awareness of your past struggles and how that translates to what you need from your partner and your current relationship means you have the potential to overcome your most vulnerable pieces and experience intense personal growth that only being in this kind of relationship would allow you to do.
This in my opinion is the most powerful argument for staying in any relationship, regardless of how difficult it has become, since it represents a unique opportunity for personal growth that only this difficult relationship can provide. The alternative option would be to get out, move on, and then repeat the cycle with someone else and the same unresolved issues that you never managed to overcome.
If you follow the recommendations in this book I guarantee there will be tears and feelings of vulnerability, but with that will come a greater sense of empathy and connection with your partner. The hardest part of this book is the follow through!!
3. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman
I just finished this book and all I can say is Hallelujah! This book is a great validation of so many of the concepts we intuitively knew when we first starting thinking about how Two2Tangocould help our own relationship.
Gottman exposes common myths about what makes a happy relationship (for example, he rebukes the idea that conflict or miscommunication is the core of all problems). He also points out that happy marriages are never a ‘perfect union’ and everyone (even happy couples) share the same kinds of problems. Instead, he uncovers behaviours that happy couples are engaged in that make their relationships more resilient in the face of these common problems.
Unlike many other modalities of relationship counselling, Gottman’s methods are thoroughly researched with a strong set of literature and scientific evidence to back up the ideas he proposes.
In my opinion, the main issue with this book is that 7 principals are a lot to remember on a daily basis, without referencing the book regularly. It would require a lot of practice, persistence and reminders to make any of these principles a long term habit if they are new to your relationship. This is a book that needs to be read and re-read and then referenced to keep people on track.
4. First, Kill All the Marriage Counsellors, by Laura Doyle
I was a little reluctant about putting this one on the list mainly because I felt that some of the advice was quite oversimplified, outdated (and perhaps a little sexist?) for a modern couple. The book is written from the perspective of what a woman needs to do differently to fix her relationship. It doesn’t require the active participation of her partner as the theory is that he will respond to her changes naturally. However, if you approach the book with an open mind, I think you will find there is value in two points that this book hammers home, that none of the others address:
(1) At the end of the day, you need to focus on YOU and what YOU can do to improve your own relationship. Trying to change or control your partner is a futile effort and will only lead to conflict and problems. Instead you should try to be at the service of YOUR RELATIONSHIP because what you put in will be what you get out.
(2) There are many things that just aren’t worth fighting over. Choose harmony over the need feel right. When you disagree with your partner, sometimes instead of disagreeing or confrontation, you just need to let it slide. Realize that whatever it is that you want arguing isn’t worth causing disharmony in the relationship it would take for you to get it.
As the title implies, these aren’t concepts that are regularly recommended by therapists (that we know of anyway!). However, we find that these same recommendations come up over and over and over again almost every single time in discussions with couples who had been married happily for 25+ years. That’s why we believe there has to be something to this! Overall, the concepts are in line with our belief that we all need to be a bit more zen.
5. Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson
I was first introduced to the concept underlying this book almost 15 years ago in a psychology class. The author Sue Johnson is the creator of a relationship program called EFT (Emotional Focused Therapy) that essentially applies concept well accepted by psychologists–Attachment Theory–in a romantic relationship context.
The idea is that everyone needs to feel safely attached and connected to other human beings, and a lack of that attachment is the core of all relationship problems. Attachment provides a sense of safety and is cultivated by partners responding sensitively to each others’ needs. Johnson explains when couples are not feeling securely attached, they fall into cycles of negative interactions that perpetuate their problems. She then goes on to offer seven types of conversations to stop negative cycles, create secure emotional connection, and heal your relationship.
Similar to Gottman’s book, my main criticism of the book is that there are too many things to remember for it to be practical. There is loads of great advice, but it’s highly unlikely for someone to be able to put the advice into play if it’s not already second nature, especially in the heat of an argument or a moment of vulnerability. The other thing I found particularly annoying is the coining of a number of terms that aren’t what you’d think they might be and could be much simpler ( for example: Demon Dialogues, Protest Polka, Freeze and Flee, Find the Bad Guy, Raw Spots, and so on).
And there you go- our pick for the best relationship books! We hope our suggestions are helpful to you in creating a happy relationship and a happy life. We’d love to hear if have different thoughts or if you think there are any I’ve missed–We’re always up for a good book!
